Inferior Poet

I have been receiving e-mail about Circle of Excellence. It’s an event where the top performing agents are being recognized. I was just deleting the e-mail knowing that I couldn’t be part of it, even as an attendee of the party as it is also selected. The third e-mail was asking for a picture. The people in-charge for this event needs photo of the awardees for the presentation. The deadline was October 23, as usual, I deleted the e-mail only knowing that the event will be held in a five star hotel and it’s a strictly formal event.

Today, I received again an e-mail for the photo shoot of the awardees. In my mind, I know that this is sent to everyone so I asked some of my officemates if they will go to the photo shoot. I found out that the e-mail wasn’t sent to everyone in the floor but to awardees only.

Is this mean that I am an awardee?! Aw cum on! I couldn’t be one of the awardees. Why not? I just thought so. I am just doing my job every day and not thinking or aiming for recognition. Recently, my TL just informed me that my stats are decreasing compare from my previous performance. I am not focused right now and I am really losing interest. I just feel that I am doing my share of work because I have to. I have lost the drive to excel. And now this. I am one of the awardees. I guess all my efforts didn’t go unnoticed but I have to confirm it first with my TL. She’s an awardee too. If this is true, well, it’s right on time because I’m losing it.

I didn’t grew up with my real parents. My grandmother raised me and my father’s younger brother stand as my father. I grew up with his guidance and words of wisdom. He is the first person I saw fought for his principles. I learned from him to fight for what I think is right and to stand for my beliefs. I remember then that he was forbidding me to read my grandmother’s komiks and my aunt’s Tagalog pocketbooks. He said that I wouldn’t learn anything from those reading materials. With his words, I started reading English novels. He used to sing everyday and that’s where I learned the words of Matt Monroe and Frank Sinatra’s songs. He is not getting old in our eyes.

During the peak of his career and when he was earning more, I only have to say what I need and he will gladly give me money. He is never dull and very intelligent. Most of his friends are because I hear them talking during their “fellowship” sessions. He speaks fluently when he’s drunk. That’s our indication that he’s really drunk. He drinks everyday so he could sleep. We always remind him that his vices could be hazardous to his health but he never seemed to mind. He doesn’t have his own family. He used to have domestic partner but she is married to an old American man. They stay together whenever she is in the country.

Our family was poor and showing of affection for family members is not part of our daily lives. What we do is talk about current events and ideas. My uncle hates talking about lives of our neighbors. When I moved out of our house for a year, I never though of the lost times because I know that he’s always strong. My aunt asked my to move back because my grandmother is getting older but she strong as a bull. I am always angry at my uncle and to my cousin when they are signing whenever I am asleep. I get that attitude from him. He needs total silence when he’s asleep or you’ll face his wrath. Someone even told me that I got his strong personality.

Few weeks ago he had LBM, it started as that and now he had lost a lot of weight. One day he was so healthy and then the next morning he aged. He now looks 20 years older and very sick. The doctors said that his liver is enlarged. I think the term is fatty liver. My aunt and I are very scared but we don’t show it. I know seriousness of his state right now. He is taking a lot of medicine right now and I am afraid that his liver will just give up. Four days ago, he looked that he is on his way to recovery but yesterday he looks sicker and weaker.

My father died when I was in high school and I can’t still accept it. My brother still can’t accept the sudden death of our father. Last month, my youngest brother was crying at him because he remembers our father. My uncle said that my brother doesn’t have to be sad because he is here. Well, he has to be strong and defeat his illness because we need him to be here. I can’t stand looking at face knowing that I am going to lose him. No, not yet. I am not ready to lose anyone right now. What more if I lose some who raised me?

I could see in his eyes that he knows that his body is tired but not the mind and spirit. How I stand looking at him knowing that he is aware of everything? And the acceptance in his eyes? The fact that he is aware of the possibilities.